Dear Tomoe
by Soomin
Summary: Dear Tomoe, It has been a quite a while, hasn't it? I'm not sure if you've been watching me, or if you've just been hearing my name wherever you are. Isn't that funny? I recall having a conversation with you one time about whether there is a place after death, and here I am expecting you to be watching me from the skies.


Dear Tomoe,

It has been a quite a while, hasn't it? I'm not sure if you've been watching me, or if you've just been hearing my name wherever you are. Isn't that funny? I recall having a conversation with you one time about whether there is a place after death, and here I am expecting you to be watching me from the skies. Perhaps Kaoru-dono has been influencing me in some way.

Look at me, I'm already ranting in my letter. I wonder what you would think of me now. Would you say that I have changed, or perhaps this is how you always saw me? I've lost myself so many times that I'm not even sure which pieces are mind and which pieces were borrowed from others. Maybe I haven't even fixed myself yet.

I should probably get to the point. It's been over ten years, and all this time, I've been asking for forgiveness and atoning for my sins. I've accepted that a hitokiri is forever a hitokiri, and Battousai will forever be a part of me, but I think I've learned something else through my travels. Even though I am a hitokiri, even though I was-am the Battousai, even though I will never be able to truly clean my past, it is a part of me. To erase that part of me would be to erase you as well, and even though I think I have been able to progress in my life, I don't want you to disappear.

I feel as if I will be writing this letter in parts. Some of the local children of Tokyo have taken a liking to me and often ask me to play with them. I have only just return from playing a game of "monsters and heroes". I'm not sure why, but I've always enjoyed being around children. You always seemed lost or confused when you watched me. Sometimes I thought that it was because you thought I was more mature than that and you were questioning the man you married. I knew you liked children, but as you were the older one, I sometimes wondered if I wasn't acting my age. It wasn't like I had many friends as a child. In fact, I think the only "friend" I had when I was young was my Shishou.

Have I ever talked to you about him? He's an arrogant man who loves himself far too much, but he is a wise man. He was the one who told me not to enter the war, but my spirit refused to stand down. There were times that I considered writing a letter to him to ask for forgiveness, but I was too scared that he would simply just burn the letter. Instead, I wrote my will out to him. The government apparently sent it to him after the war ended, and I disappeared. When I went out to visit him last month, I saw my handwriting on a piece of parchment hanging on his wall by knife. He had kept it all these years. I won't go into detail on what exactly it said, but I will say that my apology was wholeheartedly written there instead of a letter. He promptly burned it afterwards and said that I had better die after him so he didn't have to go through the trouble of going through town just to collect mail. I told him I would try. He then hit me and made me promise that I will.

I keep making these promises, which continues to humor me. Why do so many trust the former hitokiri? Then again, I supposed you chose to marry me while I was still in the business. However, I wasn't really a hitokiri during those last five months. I was a simple healer. I have to think my Shishou for teaching me a variety of skills one day. While my skills do not compare to Megumi-dono, a friend of mine who is a skilled doctor, we were able to get by with what I know. I remember even you being surprised by a hitokiri who knew more than just killing. Even I was surprised that I could still remember all of it.

I'm thirty years old by the way. At least, that's what I tell everyone. After you died, time simply died as a concept to me. The way I counted the years were when I was able to visit a shrine and pay penance for 108 of my sins. Then I walked away and waited for another year so that I could once again come to atone. I could very well be twenty-five or thirty-five. Shishou is apparently forty-seven, but I think he too has lost count. You can never count on the appearance on a Hiten Mitsurugi master to find the age, so the both of us just guess to try and calm the person asking. Kaoru-dono was surprised to hear my age at least.

I realized that I continue to talk about these people, but it occurred to me that you might have little to no idea of whom they are. Of course, this is I assuming that you are able to read this one day in the future. However, please just humor me a little more Tomoe.

I think I should begin with Megumi-dono. As I said before, she is a skilled doctor. She knows more about herbs and medicine than anyone I have ever met. Her personality is calm and collected, but she knows how to control herself. I think she views herself as the older sister of our little group and she consistently pushes me to make sure I take my medication. You must relate. How many days did you spend trying to convince to stay in bed after a rough mission? I must thank you for that Tomoe, for I probably wouldn't be alive today if not for you insistence. Ten years ago, I probably would have cursed you for prolonging my life, but now I thank you for it. Though, because of it, I have gotten too good at skipping my medication by practicing on leaving your sights.

Next is Sanosuke. In many ways, I consider Sanosuke my best friend, but I'm not sure why. He is a good man if just a little thick headed sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if he was in the Bakumatsu, what kind of man would he walk out. In my head, I like to think that he would exit unchanged because that is the kind of man Sanosuke is. I trust him on battle as much as I trust my sword. He is so young, but he carries on this strong ambition that I don't often see in fighters of this period. While he does sometimes take advantage of my fondness for him by using to gamble, I often don't mind because it is Sanosuke. You might be in complete shock by now. You should recall how much I hated communicating with other warriors and participating in gambling, but now look at me. And it is all because of one man.

Then there is Yahiko. I think you would have liked him. He reminds a bit of Enishi. He's very protective of his family just like your younger brother was of you. He also didn't like me in the beginning. Yahiko is the one who gave our little group the name "Kenshin-gumi", which I had thought wouldn't stick, but even the children have begun calling us that. I hear little whispers sometimes as we travel through town as if we were celebrities. Yahiko is a promising child. He had wanted to learn the way of the Hiten Mitsurugi Style, but I have chosen to allow that art to die with me. Instead, he was chosen to learn the Kamiya Kasshin Style. It fits with what his generation should now stand for: "The sword that gives life". Instead of killing, Yahiko will be warrior that stands for defending. He will be strong one, and perhaps he will overcome me one day.

Finally, there's Kaoru-dono. She is the one who saw past my true identity and saw me. It was a long time before anyone had done that. Many bought my rurouni persona as my true personality. Some who had seen me fight feared my Battousai persona. However, Kaoru-dono saw past all of that and saw me. It was like she was shedding light of my darken soul. It was nice. It was liberating. Since then, she has not left my side. Even when I chose to move on, she followed me to Kyoto. To some extent, I was angry, but on the other hand, I was so happy to be able to keep someone for once. I had a home to return to as well. A real home with my family. After ten years of searching, I found the one thing I needed.

I suppose this is what I wanted to get to. I have been traveling for so long looking for a way to atone and ask for your forgiveness. I realized now that you have no right to forgive me, and while that cross you gave me will forever scar me, I will take the burden on my own. My mistakes are on my head, and you shouldn't be the one to forgive me. Instead, it is I who must do that, but that doesn't mean I must forget you. In fact, it means quite the opposite.

Even though I am moving away from my past, I would still like to keep you with me. I am opening the doors to my new life with my family, but I am asking for your permission to take you with me. All of these ten long years, I have dragged you along my journey. Now, I am setting you free with the choice of continuing with me. Perhaps you would like to take rest in the afterworld, or maybe visit your brother wherever he may be. All I ask is that you don't take this as a sign of replacement. I am not replacing you, but simply adding you to the family.

Whatever you decide Tomoe, remember you will always have my love. If you decide to leave me, I will respect your wishes. I have dragged you into hell with me for far too long. However, should you choose to join me in wherever this new family decides to take me, I will not be sad.

I love you Tomoe, and there is nothing that will make me change my mind on that.

Sincerely,

Himura Kenshin

* * *

Placing the brush down, Kenshin set back. It was as if a huge weight was no longer behind me. Perhaps he truly did release his wife's spirit that was chained to him. He loved Tomoe with all of his heart, but that did not mean she would be forced to follow him. Closing his eyes, he allowed the breeze from outside to calm him.

Outside, he heard the sounds of Megumi-dono cooking, Sanosuke singing, and Kaoru-dono and Yahiko training. They were familiar sounds. They were something he had gotten used to over the months of calling this place his home. It was just fitting that he finally chose to move on to this new life even if it meant moving away from the comfort of his past.

"Yo Kenshin!" Sanosuke called, "How long are you going to stay in there? Dinner is almost done!"

Kenshin smiled and called back, "I will be there in just a moment, that I will."

Grabbing his letter, Kenshin went out into the front yard near the fire pit. Kneeling down, he quietly prayed to whatever existed as a messenger to the dead. He prayed that this letter would reach Tomoe in some way even if there were no way. Knowing that he did his best was all Kenshin really needed. Then, after finishing his prayer, he threw the papers into the fire and watched as smoke rose to the sky.

Faintly, he could smell the scent of while plum blossoms in the air, but it quickly vanished as it appeared. Not truly understanding the mechanics of the land of the undead, Kenshin smiled and looked toward the sky. Wherever Tomoe was, he had a feeling she got his message. Turning around, Kenshin walked away from the fire pit to join his family for another meal together.

In the far distance in a place where human eyes would never be able to see, a lone figure stood with a bright smile. Tears ran down her face, but she was not sad. She quickly rubbed her face clean of the tears smiled larger than before.

"Good-bye Kenshin," the figure said, "but not for long. I will return my love."

And before long, the figure disappeared without a single trace.

But all was well, and in the end, that was what truly mattered.


End file.
